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Tucker's Chatter Voicemail 30th Dec, 2037 @ 23:59
Can't get to the phone right now, but leave a message if you're a hot chick.

If you're not a hot chick but you know some hot chicks, leave their name and number, and I'll call them back. I'll just tell them Ugly sent me.

And if you're a dude, how the hell did you get my number?

[For Nexus Advent Thing] 12th Dec, 2008 @ 20:41
Miles below the surface buried beneath earth and concrete the only source of illumination comes from a pair of shoulder-mounted flashlights as Tucker creeps stealthily (if such a thing is possible for a man wearing half a ton of powered armor) between rows of towering steel cabinets containing things that for one reason or other were kept as far as possible from where anyone could to them because, y'know that's what you do.

30 meters northwest on your waypoint marker Sif advises, the AI assisting Tucker in this foolhardy venture simply because she had nothing better to do.

"...Where on the what now?"

If she could breathe she'd sigh right about now. ...Just keep walking forwards until you hit the wall. Better yet, stop walking just before that.

"Oh, okay, thanks."

You know, you could have gone to the store.

"No way, those assholes charge an arm and a leg! We're trying to save Christmas! We gotta do this right! Some of those hot elf chicks might be real appreciative of my efforts!"

I don't particularly want to argue this matter, but I somehow don't think those are the right elves you're thinking of.

"Sure they are! You never saw the Lord Of the Rings movies? Where they went to the North Pole to destroy the One Ringpiece of the Evil Stegasaur and went through the forest of the hot elf chicks? ...Okay, I think this is what we're looking for... is it?"

According to the facility's database, this is where the items are stored. The security grid will only stay offline for a few more minutes. I suggest you work quickly.

"Okey-dokey, just needs a little finesse..." He bends down to inspect the locking panel of the storage cabinet, then remembering he doesn't know a god-damn thing about lock-cracking, pulls out his plasma sword and slices it open in one stroke. "Ding!"

Reaching through the cloud of dry ice escaping from the newly unsealed door he pulls out a small rectangular box containing, still in their original wrappings, the worst Christmas cracker jokes ever written. He wasn't going to open them up to check. Some things weren't worth the risk - they'd been locked away in a high-security subterranean vault for a reason, afterall.

Just then the room comes alive with several high-pitched whines and glowing red dots of light floating in mid-air.

I would just like to let you know that the security system has come back online.

The red dots glow redder as the whining is accompanied by a not-at-all-promising chorus of metallic hums.

"Aw, shit. Flying robots."

Why are we back here again? 19th Oct, 2008 @ 10:59
No, seriously, why.Collapse )

Sounds about right 27th Sep, 2008 @ 10:03
Your result for The Sexual HELL Test...Collapse )

Mission Control To HQ 15th Sep, 2008 @ 00:48
Ok, so there's been one or two complications on the technical and living arrangements sides of things, but I ain't gonna let that keep me down.

F'rinstance, I'm sure everyone's real excited about the upcoming big dance thing (those of you who aren't dead-set on expecting it's gonna turn into a face-eating monsterfest chaostravaganza, that is) and if any of you fine ladies out there are maybe needing an escort, you'll be happy to know I'm available! For now, that is. Limited time offer, babes. Supply and demand.

<\\ ...Are you really expecting this to work?

Command line STFU, kthx.

<\\ Please yourself.

For everyone else, see you there! Rock on.
Current Music: Electric Six - Dance Commander
Other entries
» A Rude Awakening
Tucker's helmet is beeping at him. It's too early in the morning for this shit. If it's someone calling him he'll just let the machine pick it up.

But no, the beeping doesn't stop. Burying his head under the pillow does nothing to lessen the noise which seems to increase in volume, frequency and pitch no matter how much he ignores it, so he is forced to slip it on and tell whoever is calling to fuck the hell off. "Hey listen, whatever you're sellin', I'm not-"

"I need you to listen to me very carefully." It's a woman's voice! And it doesn't sound like a telemarketer, so he decides not to hang up quite yet. "Sure, babe. What can I do you for?"

"It is imperative that you leave immediately."

"What, the apartment? Who are you, the landlord? Cos you know, dibs is nine-tenths of the-"

"Not the apartment, the planet itself. Do you have any idea why the city appears to be deserted? It's 3am in the morning. Doesn't it seem too bright outside at this time of day?"

"I just figured y'know, this part of town as going through a slump." He steps up to look out the window. The sun was brighter than the last time he looked. And redder. And hotter. "A seasonal thing...?"

"...This solar system's celestial body is going through some radical changes. Within twenty-four hours the atmospheric temperature will reach levels beyond what your physiology is capable of withstanding. Are you getting a clearer picture now?"

"...Shit. I liked having this place. Wait a minute, you still haven't told me who you are, or why you're telling me this!"

His vision is overlayed of a woman with long, flowing blonde hair and little patience. "I am Sif, and all you need to know is that is the best interests of both you and I that you evacuate wih all due haste. Time is of the essence, Captain Flowers."

He blinks. In the best interests of "...You mean you're in - hey wait, I'm not Flowers!"

A pause. "This system is registered under the name of one Captain Butch Flowers..."

"Uh yeah, he's dead now. I'm, Lavernius Tucker. Private. First Class. I kinda inherited-" looted "-the armour. I never figured out how to change the ID settings. Y'know."

"I see. It is of little consequence. You know what you have to do. Don't dawdle, Private First Class Lavernius Tucker." She disappears from the HUD before he can finish asking questions.

"Wait! Are you the reason my helmet's been acting up? Where's all my p- ah, fuck."

It's going to be a shitty day, all right. And it's barely even started yet.
» Ticket To Ride
Sometimes we can have nice thingsCollapse )
» (No Subject)
Memo: Get a bitching set of wheels for upcoming Super Nexus Kart competition. End memo.

...Resume memo: Hey. Where'd all my porn go?
» Back again, assholders
If anyone wants to know about the shitty week I've been having or fill me in how your week's been, gimme me a buzz when I'm done refueling my liver.
» Easier to listen to than Easy Listening [Audio]
...And you're still listening to Tucker's Loveline you lucky bunch, so while we're waiting for our next caller I've got a special treat for everyone: a new segment I like to call Stuff That Sounds Like Porn! You'll get to hear clips from movies, TV and videogames rearranged to sound like people are doin' it! Bow-chicka-bow-

*Dead air*

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